Sleeping Beauty

First of all, understand that this post is uninspired, and pretty much a vent session. I started this blog to keep track of my experiences; I never imagined that people might actually read it. So, if you get annoyed by posts that complain, you can skip this one. On the other hand, if you are patient and empathetic… I could sure use a little sympathy right now.

I never understood when people said that trying to conceive was stressful. And these were people with normal, working reproductive systems and healthy sex lives.

Now I understand.

And possibly the most frustrating thing for me right now, is that the problem isn’t even what I always assumed it would be. The problem is not that I am infertile or that I have an inhospitable environment. The problems are everything else around me. In no particular order:

1) living temporarily with parents and sister there is the obvious issue of privacy — ex: last night, hubby and I were finally making some progress, when “knock, knock…” My darling sister to return a DVD to me. And then R couldn’t finish. <<I drop my chin down to my chest in defeat.>>

2) my dog, who I love more than anything, but she cries and whimpers if R so much as kisses me (and then if we leave her outside of the room, it looks suspicious and people comment – see #1)

3) busy, busy, busy… sometimes it is just impossible to be on the same page with all of our jobs and activities

4) as stated in previous posts, R needs the sun, moon, and stars to align in order to get it up, keep it up, and finish. We have “started” sex three times this cycle, but haven’t finished even once. He refuses to see a doctor, and he gets defensive and mean if I bring it up.

So, I keep saying things like, “I guess it just wasn’t meant to be right now,” and “It will happen when the time is right.”

But really, I am frustrated and pissed as hell.

And right now, in what is probably the last few viable hours that we could attempt to try this month, my dear dear husband is fast asleep and dead to the world. When I gently nudged him he told me to forget about it that it’s not happening right now. And then he got annoyed that I was upset about it.

Well, at least I won’t have to obsess over a two week wait.

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Not-So-Clear-Blue

I was starting to think that little high fertility flashing smiley face on my digital clearblue fertility monitor was developing a mind of its own.  For well over a week, that little face  has been showing up, confusing the heck out of me, and taunting me with its flashing!  Have sex NOW, NOW, NOW…!!! Your egg is about to drop! Doesn’t that stupid face know my hubby can’t handle that many days of sex in a row?  Meanwhile, the internet cheapies were all coming up negative.  As a result of all of this, my mood swings  have been intolerable, and have left R in an exasperated rage — not very sexy,  and we haven’t had ANY sex this cycle.

For sure, we were out this month, until…

TA DA!  A second clear, dark line on that gorgeous blue stick.  I threw the Clearblue into the garbage and did a little happy dance. Text to the man, who has been reffing on the soccer field all day:

omg I hope you are in the mood for a quickie before dinner.

We’re still in it for this month and I have a goooood feeling.  

Tonight and tomorrow AM for the WIN!  WOOHOO!

His response: Wow. That’s a lot of info. I just had to read.

I guess I better tone it down a little bit.  Fingers crossed for some good lovin’ later!

Meditate it Forward

I am experiencing what I would refer to as a “more than a quarter but less than a mid-life crises.” The alarm clock rings at 5 am, and I have this overwhelming sense of “…and now I have to wake up and do it ALL over again?!?”  Many other women I know who are around my age (early to mid thirties) are experiencing similar things, so at least I know I am in good company.  I just can’t shake the feeling of being in a rut (even though every day moves at the speed of lightning and I keep my life FULL of interesting experiences).  I have no good reason to feel down about anything.  I have a secure job, supportive family, and lots of healthy hobbies.  So… ???

Knowing that complaining will do me no good, I started to seek out ways I could make small changes in my life.  On impulse, I bought three sessions of acupuncture through Living Social.  I have never considered acupuncture before, but I am excited to give it a try.  I need to restore some balance.  Stay tuned.

Additionally, a friend of mine turned me onto the “21 Day Meditation Challenge.”  It has Oprah Winfrey and Deepak Chopra’s names all over it, so again, I figured… I’ve never been much of the meditating type, but why not give it a go?  I am only on day 3, but I am already starting to rewire some of my thinking.  Here is the link for more information, if you’d like to give it a try: Meditate it Forward | Free Meditation | Pass it On.

Working on ME for a bit so that one day, when the time is right, I can be a GREAT mom! 🙂