I am sort of angry with myself for not keeping up with this blog. I very much wanted a record of my TTC journey, but when life got tough(er), I stopped writing. I think maybe I also started to think that creating this blog was jinxing me. I mean, people who get pregnant easily don’t usually have to blog about TTC…right? It’s almost like I KNEW it would be a journey. I think I was hoping it mostly be a blog about being pregnant. I hope it turns into that soon.
It is quite astounding the difference a year makes, and yet, here I am, 11 months after my most recent post, and I am no more pregnant than I was last May. Well, that’s not true. I may be .00001% more pregnant because I have HCG coursing through my veins from last night’s Ovidrel shot.
Which brings me to the differences the year HAS made.
1) We didn’t buy a house.
2) R moved out. (Long story)
3) R moved back in. Couples therapy has been a miracle. Our marriage is much healthier than it was a year ago. That’s a topic for a whole other blog.
4) We’re buying a different house… closing date TBA
5) We started seeing a fertility specialist in December. I am on my third round of Clomid and Ovidrel trigger shot. Tomorrow is our second IUI. I know I should be optimistic, but I’m not. I am super stressed about EVERYTHING right now, so I don’t think my body will allow me to get pregnant. If I had to predict when it will happen, I would say sometime this summer. I hope I’m wrong and that it happens sooner, but I also hate the disappointment each month. I’d rather be pleasantly surprised than overwhelmingly devastated.
I’ve been thinking a lot about all of the things I know now that I did not know a year ago. For example, I know that the OvWatch from my last post is collecting dust in the top drawer of my night stand, and even if it had worked properly, it wouldn’t have helped me to get pregnant. I know that I am one of those “unexplained infertility” cases. R’s SA came back average. My numbers came back normal. I have some scarring in my tubes, but no blockages. My ovulation is probably irregular (late or sometimes non existent)… hence the meds. I have added a plethora of TTC acronyms to my vocabulary: HSG, THB, SA, MFI, IUI… I know what it feels like to have dye inserted into your cervix through a catheter. I know how expensive (and sort of gross) progesterone suppositories are. I know how an entire day can be spent fixated on waiting to hear from the doctor about whether or not a cyst is going to prevent you from following through on a cycle (and the relief of hearing that it’s not). I know what it’s like to get your period in school WAY earlier than you were expecting it and having to be a superstar teacher that afternoon anyway. I know how awkward it is to answer questions about the shape of your cervix while a doctor fishes around for it. I know what it’s like to confirm that it is indeed your husband’s name on the little vial of post wash sperm that is about to be injected into your body. I know what a “sperm wash” is. I know what it’s like to have the epiphany that your husband will never understand what it’s like for you to go through this. I know that follicle size is WAY more important than penis size (lol!). I know what it’s like to ask your best friend if you can borrow her fridge for your semen collection cup for an afternoon. I know you can’t take Vitex and Clomid together. I know that there’s a lot of other stuff I know now, but I think this post is long enough.
I know that it takes WAY more than two people to get pregnant (it takes a village). And most importantly, I KNOW THAT I’M READY TO BE A MOMMY!!!
So, the question is… what do you know now that you never thought you’d know before TTC?