Copping a Feel

Anyone who walked by my classroom today when there were no students present, may have caught me copping a feel.

Once I hit 8dpo, I start feeling myself up like crazy. I can’t help it.

It’s actually less “feeling up,” and more “giving a little poke.”  I start compulsively pushing in at the sides of my boobs.  The 8dpo and beyond “tenderness test.”

Do they feel the same as last month?  Are they more tender?  Less tender?  Is it a fuller feeling?  Are those women who say that they couldn’t even roll over on their stomachs because of nipple tenderness for real?  Why don’t my nipples feel like that?  I must not be pregnant.  Or does the lack of boob related symptoms actually mean that maybe I am? Was that a cramp near my uterus? Oh, #@!& it… I’ll just eat some ice cream.

The thing is, I don’t even know what I’m feeling for.  Do I want them to be tender, or not?!?  So, I assess the situation (poke, poke, squeeze)… and then I go back in my fertility calendar and compare the feeling I have today to every single other month at this dpo (please tell me you do this too!).  And I hope for an aberration.

Today I found one. So now I’m hanging on to this tiny thread of hope.  By 8 or 9 dpo, I am usually in PMS mode (…usually…).  Boobs are usually starting to give me my first sign of AF, but today…

i.  feel.  nothing.

And I AM SURE it means absolutely nothing.  Or maybe, the meds are lengthening my luteal phase like they are supposed to, which is a good thing.  But it’s certainly not a good indication of pregnancy.  If there is one thing that I have learned with any degree of certainty from stalking the BabyCenter forums, it is that there is no such thing as an early pregnancy symptom that you can be sure of.  There is so much variation, not just woman to woman, but from month to month within the same woman.

There just is no way of knowing until your BFP — and even then, between evap lines and non doubling beta numbers, sometimes you still don’t even really know.  I have yet to even get to that point.  I hope the big fat nothing I feel right now will at least lead me to the next level of uncertainty.  Sounds more promising than AF.  She’s a you-know-what.

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