Stark White

I am not typically an over-tester. I usually wait until 12dpo (and I usually have my period by then…).

For some reason I tested today, at 9dpo. I didn’t use FMU… and I didn’t wait 4 hours… and I drank things in between. So yes, I know this really cheap internet test isn’t exactly reliable right now, but the stark whiteness of it still makes me sad. I don’t know why I felt the need to test today…



I expected to feel somewhat sad on Mother’s Day. The pain I feel today, however, has caught me off guard.

It is only 8:30 AM on Father’s Day and my Facebook feed is already inundated with posts. For some reason, I am finding this almost harder than Mother’s Day, but I can’t figure out why. Maybe it’s the progesterone. Back in May, I was riding out a “drug free” month…

9dpo. Too early to test, but based on this month’s stats and how I feel right now, I am not holding on to unrealistic hope. At this point, just want to move on to IVF next cycle.

I will definitely try to make today a celebration of my father instead of grief for the father that my husband has yet to become.

Not a Numbers Person

I teach Language Arts, and I direct and perform in musicals. I am not a numbers person.

A new number today: 9.3, and it represents my 5dpo progesterone level (Cd21 bloodwork even though I’m not quite Cd21). Even though I’m not a numbers person, 9.3 is less than 10… and that means progesterone. Insert loud sigh of exasperation here.

So here is what I’m having trouble understanding, and maybe some of you can shed some light. My doctor, who I like very much, sat across from me at his desk two days ago and talked to me about how well I respond to the Clomid and Ovidrel. And how there is high risk of hyperstimulating me if I do injectables because of my high ovarian reserve and high response to meds. Hubby’s SA was totally completely average when we had our baseline testing done in January.

Ok… so then why am I only ovulating one egg a month and reading about women with several gargantuan follicles, and why is my progesterone number in the toilet? And why did R only produce 3.5 million viable sperm last week?

Again… not a numbers person but it just doesn’t add up. Doctor is happy with the numbers. But I’m not! And tonight starts progesterone, which, let’s be honest, just postpones the inevitable AF witch from arriving.

So I’m a little bummed today, but I am excited to start IVF with my next cycle. And I am excited that there are only 12 days left of school. Hopefully I will be nice and rejuvenated and well rested by the time we are harvesting lots of little eggs in July!!!

Mother, May I?

Do you remember this game? You asked to take small, medium, or large steps toward the finish line and “mother” would either grant your wish or give you a new command. Then when you got close enough to touch her, she chased you all the way back to the start.

These are the ways we amused ourselves back in the “olden days” before smartphones…

Well, anyway, yesterday at my consultation, I asked, “Doctor, may I take one giant step forward?” And he said… “Yes, you may!” (Well, actually, to be accurate, it was his idea from the start… but you catch my drift!).

So, if this IUI cycle is not successful (we will know in about 10 days), and insurance cooperates, WE ARE MOVING TO IVF!!!

So, here’s hoping we don’t need it — but if we do, WE HAVE A PLAN. A plan to give us some newfound hope on this journey!

3.5 Million

3.5 million

If I had 3.5 million dollars, I’d be ecstatic. 3.5 million M&Ms would be AMAZING. 3.5 million is a lot! Right?

But 3.5 million post wash sperm is another story. 3.5 million, in this case, is below average. Low, even. When it comes to sperm, the TTC woman needs to be greedy. And 3.5 million is not enough.

The doctor didn’t really say much when she saw the number. Made some sort of noise that indicated “This IUI is probably a waste of time, but you’re naked from the waist down, so may as well just go through with it…” Or that’s how I perceived it, anyway…

Later this morning, after IUI #3, R texted to see how it went. I didn’t tell him. I didn’t tell him that he didn’t give me enough strong swimmers this month for a fair shot. I didn’t send him links with lists of foods that can increase sperm count. I didn’t lecture about stress, or healthy eating, or getting enough sleep.

I simply said, “Ok. Now we wait.”

I made an appointment to talk about “next steps.” When we first began treatments I really thought meds and IUI would be enough for me. I naively thought that surely I would be pregnant by now. But I’m not just one of those people who needed a few more months, a healthy egg, and good timing. No. Infertility is a very real thing. It is scary and it is frustrating and it is unknown. And it is part of me.