Methotrexate and Me

* Ectopic /Loss Mentioned; may be a tigger for some. *

One shot in each butt cheek, and by the weekend we should start to see the numbers go down. 4-6 weeks until I’m back to neutral, if all goes smoothly. 3 months until we can try again. I am in the 1-2% of ectopic pregnancies. Go figure.

It’s no one’s fault but mine. My fat sausage tubes with scar tissue from endometriosis and maybe that one bad pap smear I had back in college.

The man came with me for the shots, which I didn’t think was necessary until we were leaving the doctors office. Then, thank god I had someone to break down to and he was as comforting as anyone could be right after you’ve just had pregnancy ending chemo drugs injected into you.
Me: Will you still love me even if I can’t give you children?
R: (pulling me closer and kissing the top of my head) I didn’t marry you for your Fallopian tubes.

But I’m relieved it’s done and that I’m not in limbo anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I am devastated and have shed my share of tears with more to come, but I have suspected this would be the outcome for the past 4 days and I am relieved to be on the other side of the verdict.

And like clockwork, the fertility necklace I ordered weeks ago arrived today of all days:

The color of infertility awareness, a reminder that miracles happen every day, and moonstone which is said to have positive influence on fertility.

I am looking forward to three months of getting my life back: my hormone levels, my body, my mornings not spent in the waiting room. I’d rather be pregnant, but I will try to use this time to heal and to be as happy and fulfilled as I can be.

And when those three months have past, there is a perfect 5 day blast waiting for me “in the freezer.” And I just have to believe in miracles.

8 thoughts on “Methotrexate and Me

  1. I am so heartbroken for you. An ectopic pregnancy is one of the few losses I haven’t experienced in my RPL journey so far, so I have no personal advice or words of wisdom specifically related to what you are going through. That said, your man sounds amazing, your necklace is beautiful and your current outlook is commendable. I wish you all the best as you deal with the heartbreak of this loss.

  2. I’m so sorry to hear about this, I wish we all lived in a little community together so we could get you snuggled up in bed with netflix and bring you all your favorite foods.

  3. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I had to take methotrexate once but it was thru I.V. and I was very surprised how fast my cycle and everything body wise was back to normal. I will be praying for you : )

  4. Your husband is amazing. So happy you have him through such a hard and heartbreaking time. You are brave and smart to forge ahead- a beautiful 5 day blast is waiting for you.

  5. So sorry to hear it was ectopic, but it is good that you were able to catch it early before damage was done. I have a friend who had one and her Fallopian tube burst before her first doc visit. It is great news that you have a perfect little ice pop waiting for you when you are ready. 🙂

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