Ob La Di…

It is a very strange feeling to have life continue on around you, even though everything in your private world has stopped.

When my cramping and bleeding began last Thursday (almost a week ago?!?), all I wanted to do was crawl into bed. But I had a show to direct, and an interview to attend. And the world kept turning, and I did these things, even though my heart had stopped.

And we haven’t stopped moving into our new {old} house just because we are suffering a loss. There is painting and unpacking and cleaning and choosing furniture. It is all still happening. Even though at times, I catch myself in another world, not breathing.

R has been with me for two days but tonight he has to go back to work. The members of the country club where he works in summers still want to eat and drink and swim and party. They don’t know that he has been holding a crumpled version of his wife in his arms at night. Life goes on.

As for me, I have my game face on in public. We attempted to go out for dinner last night. I have round two of interviews this afternoon, and I will go and no one on the interview committee will see the pain that is in my heart right now. And a new school year will start in two weeks, and my students will have the funny, upbeat, lighthearted and caring teacher they deserve.

The world is turning and time is passing all around me, but my insides are still frozen.

6 thoughts on “Ob La Di…

  1. What a numb and empty feeling. Pretty incredible you are accomplishing so much during this horrible time. Sending hugs.

  2. I’m so sorry. I was so excited for you when your initial pessimism turned into hope when the doctor told you, you were pregnant and was so hoping that things would work out for you. I can only imagine your pain. Hugs.

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