PIO = PIA

Allow me to translate:

Progesterone in oil is a pain in the ass. (Having said that, I will happily stay on it as long as I need to if it will help me stay pregnant.

Here are the things that have happened so far, thanks to PIO:
1) My sister, RN, did a demo (on my bare ass, of course) for my mom
and the boy so that they would be able to do it.
2) My sister, RN, sent another nurse she works with to the house one night since I was home alone.
3) my husband used a piece of raw spaghetti and a tomato to practice, and then proceeded to tell me that he hoped my butt was the same consistency as the tomato.
4) My poor mother has had to stab with more needles than she’d care to count, but she is so gentle and I am so grateful.
5) R legit almost passed out the first time he did it. He was shaking, pale, and had to excuse himself to the bathroom immediately following.
6) I brought supplies into NYC with us the night of the concert. R and I had to mysteriously disappear into the bathroom at the restaurant (thank god it was unisex). We had a false start (“It bounced off,” he told me… uh huh). Then on the way into Madison Square Garden, I got questioned about my supplies. I told the guard exactly what it was for (I’ve learned that people are frightened to upset a woman who is trying to get pregnant and also afraid to ask questions).
7) Oh, and of course I have a bruised and lumpy ass.

All in all though, I really can’t complain. And like I said before, if it helps me stay pregnant, then, all hail progesterone in oil!

Speaking of staying pregnant, here is tonight’s pee stick. (Thanks, sister, for indulging me and stopping at a CVS when we were out shopping this afternoon)!

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Nervous about Monday’s beta. Lots of visualizing, my version of praying, and googling going on…

Billy Joel & Beta

One of the first things that R and I realized we had in common when we met was our taste in music.  Billy Joel is HANDS DOWN one of our favorite musicians and we have seen him in concert quite a few times.  Last night was one of those times.

So there I am, rockin’ a beta of 38, light bleeding here and there, and trying really hard to let the concert take my mind off of things for a couple of hours.  I had resigned myself to being ok with whatever today’s outcome was.  I started to make a mental list of the things I would do to help myself “move on” (autumn weekend getaway, massage, martinis, maybe really start training to finally run a 5k…), while still hoping for the best and staying positive.  About halfway through the concert, the boy, who is infinitely better at not worrying than I am, leans over and whispers into my ear, “I am so happy that Billy Joel is the jujube’s first concert…”  Well, I just about melted (and also cringed — hello?!?  Jinx it much?!?).

So this morning, I went for my second beta, and then waited an excruciating 8 hours until I saw that I had a new voicemail.

The results…

Beta 2, 16dpo  156

I think I breathed for the first time all day once I hung up the phone.  The number more than tripled in 48 hours.  I am so keenly aware that this does not mean I am out of the woods by any stretch of the imagination, but it is just about the best news I could have dreamed of at this point. They increased my progesterone to 1.5cc and told me to continue on the estrace.  Though this is going to be a long weekend leading up to my next beta on Monday, I am going to really try and let the words, “I’m pregnant,” sink in a bit, because this is the most pregnant I have ever been, and goddammit, I’m going to enjoy it and pray, pray, pray I get to keep saying it for the next 9 months or so!

And Then the Doctor Said,

…”I want to be the first person to congratulate you on being pregnant.”

WHAT?!?

I have spent the last three and a half days pulling myself together about blood and negative tests. This is the last thing I expected my doctor’s message to say after my beta this morning.

The rest of his message went on to say that my beta is 38 and they hope to see a first beta of 50 or more. He assures me that many women continue to have viable pregnancies with numbers less than mine, but of course… I am counting the hours until my next beta on Friday and praying that the numbers do what they should.

Obviously, once I got that news, there were some tests involved:

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I know it’s no use, but I’m trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together.
5dp3dt (8dpo) – a tiny bit of pink and brown CM
6dp3dt (9dpo) – nothing
7dp3dt (10dpo) – nothing
8dp3dt (11dpo) – fresh blood (not full flow, spotting during a trip to the bathroom), BFN
9dp3dt (12dpo) – crampy, feel like AF coming
10dp3dt (13dpo) – feel like AF is coming, BFN
11dp3dt (14dpo) – beta positive 38, BFP

I know most of the signs point to a chemical pregnancy, but we are trying to enjoy the idea of being pregnant, nonetheless!!! I have never seen two pink lines before, so I keep looking back at my pictures to make sure they are still there. I can’t believe I am writing this right now.

Obviously, I am praying, making deals with a higher power, back to saying my affirmations, etc. BUT, if it ends up being a CP, which I know will suck even worse than the original BFN… at least I know that I can get pregnant.

So, for now, PUPO!!! But very very wary and nervous. Beta 2 on Friday.

Say a little prayer…

And Then My Heart Sank To the Center of the Earth

8dp3dt
Blood.

I never even last long enough to test. 11dpo is pretty normal for me to get my period so I’m right on target. Even the Progesterone can’t keep it off and help me live on my fluffy cloud of ignorance and bliss for a couple more days. WTF WTF WTF

And there goes IVF #1. All the injections, all the appointments, all of the hope and all of the fear and all of the waiting…

I can’t really put into words what I’m feeling right now so I’m just going to curl up in a ball and let myself cry a little. My body can’t do what a woman’s body is meant to do. What more is there to say about it?

On the Cusp

7dp3dt

I’m right on the cusp of “too early to POAS” and “realistic to POAS.” This is definitely the most challenging part of the 2WW. Not to mention it’s a rainy weekend and all I have to do is laundry and curriculum writing. Not much to take my mind off of this.

I keep picturing my two little jujubes burrowing in comfy and cozy. My mantra the past few days has been, “hatch and attach!!!” According to the many handy dandy internet resources we all know and love, at 7dp3dt (or 10dpo), implantation either did not happen (boo!!!), or is complete (woohoo!!!).

I am not a POAS-aholic. However, this may be due to the fact that I usually start spotting and know AF is on the way before I get to the point of not being able to wait any longer. Progesterone adds a whole other layer because it will likely keep me from spotting and will not “allow” my period to start. During the past 48 hours, I have googled things like:
— Do you still get PMS while on progesterone?
— Can you still spot while on progesterone? (I had the smallest bit of pink / brown on 5dp3dt).

The results, of course, are inconclusive (which I knew before I looked but had to check anyway). They are inconclusive because PMS can be legit PMS or an early PG symptoms, and spotting can indicate AF or… you guessed it, be an early PG symptom. PMS symptoms = Progesterone symptoms = early PG symptoms. Thanks for that devine plan, universe!

So no matter what you know during the 2WW waiting game, you still know nothing. I am absolutely envious of the women who have only had to endure a few of these, and of course, of the women who didn’t even know they were in a two week wait.

I am firming up the plan, though: I am not waiting for my beta on Wednesday. I will test at home sometime before then. But the questions are when and how?!? I don’t even know if I want R to be with me when I test. If it’s bad news then I want him here, but if it’s good news, I’d like to surprise him somehow. All I know is that I’m definitely holding out for the weekend. So the earliest I will test is Monday 9dp3dt. Bah! Who knows!

Does anyone ever feel like they are jinxing themselves by writing about it? I may go radio silent for the next few days (on my own blog). We shall see.

Don’t Cheat

This morning, I had bloodwork done for Estradiol and Progesterone.

“Looks like Wednesday is the big day,” says the lab tech, referring to my beta. “Don’t cheat and test early.”

“I don’t even have any tests at home,” I lied. (Actually, I bought 4 dollar store tests yesterday, just to ‘have around…’).

I don’t know why I lied. I could have just said, “I’ll try not to!”

The thing is, I am very torn. I don’t think I want good OR bad news from a phone call. So, my current plan is: undecided.

On another note, the boy has some sort of stomach bug which is giving me major anxiety. Stomach things are THE WORST. I do NOT want it, and I also hate when he is sick. :/ So now, any cramp, twinge, fatigue, sensation, etc. can DEFINITELY be chalked up to either progesterone or anxiety. No symptom spotting for me (and anyway, I really don’t have any).