Yes; it’s complicated.

Have you ever been pregnant?

For the past few years, this standard question has been a slight source of frustration.

No.  Damn it.  No, I haven’t.  I’m trying.  It’s not working.  Thank you for reminding me.

 

Today, for the first time, I had a new answer.

I was sitting in the acupuncturist’s waiting room, filling out 35 gazillion forms, and this is  the question that made my breath stick in my throat for an extra second.  To be fair, I did have to answer this question while I was in the hospital for my surgery.  But at the time, I was in excruciating pain, and the emotional weight of it was not my priority.  Today was the first time I have had to answer this question and have the full, raw history come roaring back.

 

Also, congratulations to me, I have a new surgery to record in my medical history: salpingectomy.  Removal of fallopian tube.  I had to google it for spelling.

Later on, I was sitting across from this seasoned, published acupuncturist, and she said, “I really need 3-6 months to help you heal.”

“I bounce back quickly. I feel great”

“Mmm hmm… ”  (writing something down).  “You had a traumatic surgery and then had complications and anemia.  But if you’ve made your decision and you’re starting a new cycle, I am suggesting that you come in 3 times a week.”

So, I may be painting an unpleasant picture of this woman, but actually she couldn’t have been warmer or more knowledgeable. It’s just, her reaction really got me thinking.

Did I bounce back quickly?  Or am I a really good actress to the point of even fooling myself?  I read other blogs and I don’t feel the constant anguish that some women describe.  We are all different, and so I just assume that I have dealt with it and am one of the lucky ones who can move forward.  But then there are these moments that stop me in my tracks.  And I’m not sure.

So, no…no, I am not sure I am ready.  But, yes…yes, I am starting round 2.  Yes; it’s complicated.

3 thoughts on “Yes; it’s complicated.

  1. We all handle and grieve things differently. After each IVF failure I would cry one night then the next morning wake up determined, dry eyed and ready to start again. I was on auto pilot and just kept my head down until I finally had success. Doesn’t mean I felt joyous- I rarely did- but I just kept going. IF is a big complicated mess- whatever helps get you to the other side is good enough. Plus- I think a big part of you knows and has faith you will be a Mom and it is only a matter of time. Best if luck. Xo

  2. I agree with Mamajo23 – everyone grieves things in there own way. I found that with my first few losses, I had more resolve to try again and didn’t let myself feel the grief emotions very well. I don’t think I did it intentionally, but I seemed to push the emotions to the side and just power through until the next try. This is all to say, I understand that its complicated, and that’s okay. Do what’s best for you, and maybe try to have some resources (i.e. counsellor, good friends, acupuncturist, etc.) who will listen and help when and if you do want to talk. Wishing you the best!

  3. I never enjoy that question and have run into it a lot since getting pregnant this time. The worst part is the follow-up- How many children? or how many resulted in live birth? or if there isn’t a follow up to it, then I get worried I answered wrong and have to clarify with scribbled notes on the form.
    As far as starting round two without waiting for 3 weeks, I would do the same. You get so wrapped up in the process and hope and possibilities (and of course endless worry, but we’ll try and gloss over that) that at least it will be something positive to focus on.

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