I want to use this bright and sunny (though still frigid) Saturday to come out from behind the blogging curtain.
When I started this blog, I made the decision to be anonymous. At the time, I wasn’t broadcasting about my fertility to many people in my real life. I was nervous that somehow someone would stumble upon my blog and my cover would be blown. And of course, there are the posts about sex, fights, and other very personal aspects of life that you wouldn’t necessarily want a random colleague to read about in black and white.
That was years ago, and my relationships with many of you have grown. My blog has changed. Basically everyone who knows me knows my journey. So I decided that I was ready to put a face and name to my blog.
Here we are on New Years Eve (just a couple of months ago).
Rob, Holli, and of course our precious Macie.
Here’s an artsy shot I took of myself in January.
Well… that’s it! You can call me Holli now and put a face to my name. 💖
Not complaining. Just recording. 😜
About 17 years ago (wtf?!?) I was diagnosed with esophageal ulcer and hiatal hernia. Every now and then one or the other flares up (mostly when I eat popcorn).
This feels like that. Not sure if that’s even what heartburn is, to be completely honest. Also not entirely sure if it’s a pregnancy symptom or somehow part of me getting over whatever illness I had over the weekend.
I actually woke up this morning full of dread, knowing in my heart that something was wrong.
I am ecstatic to report that I. Was. Wrong.
There is one healthy little sesame seed in there (in my uterus!) measuring one day ahead at 5w6d. Yolk sac visible and very tiny beginnings of the fetal pole. Of course I had to clarify with the doctor, “So there is nothing for me to be worried about right now, right?” And he and nurse Tina smiled and assured me that everything looks exactly right.
1 week until next ultrasound.
To top it off, I just received a text from the man that says, “I’m so excited!”
Last week I went out of town for a professional development workshop. I had just found out I was pregnant so it was late in my fourth week. It was the coldest week of the year and I was commuting on the dirty trains and cabs and EVERYTHING about the experience made it feel like a bad idea.
But I can’t live in a bubble for 9 months (or even three), and my district paid for me to attend. I felt like I had no choices. Even my very own husband was telling me to suck it up and stop looking for an excuse to come home.
So that’s what I did. I sucked it up. And sure enough I got sick. Saturday morning I woke up with a fever and a stomach thing (which is a source of panic for me in the first place).
And my 102 fever didn’t break for 24 hours.
And I definitely didn’t drink enough fluids even though I really tried.
And now I’m worried. (What a shocker)
I’m worried that my tiny little sesame seed who is working so hard to grow and thrive was somehow compromised.
And I am mad at myself for not trusting my instincts to take it easy last week. I am also mad at myself for reading old babycenter threads about fevers in early pregnancy.
I am not a religious person, but I have been bargaining with God and/or whatever higher power exists all day that I will ALWAYS trust myself from now on if (s)he can let this one slide and please let my baby be okay.
This is also when I realized that I was NOT maintaining a safe disconnect from the life inside of me even though I really thought I was. It took 5 weeks and 4 days – (if we are counting from arbitrary fake retrieval dates before an FET) – 5 weeks and 4 days to be connected to this little peppercorn.
Logically, I KNOW that everything is probably fine, and that if it’s not, there is probably nothing I could have done differently to prevent it. But that only goes so far in calming me down. My 5w5d ultrasound is tomorrow.
I don’t want to lose another one.
Update: When I took my temp it was 102. So my body is fighting something. I called my doctor and she just said Tylenol and fluids. 😔
5w2d today. I had a little bit of a rough sleep last night, having little waves of not feeling well. Then when I woke up (and for the next few hours), I will spare you the details but let’s just say my stomach was angry about something.
I would like to think that this is a symptom, but my research yielded that this is actually not a common first trimester symptom, plus my head and body started to ache when I was trying to clean for the company we are having today (25 people for R’s cousin’s surprise party).
We also went out to eat last night and there is always the possibility that I really need to cut back on rich foods while my body is working overtime to grow a human.
Of course R told me to take it easy this morning, which I did, but now I can tell he is getting antsy for me to “just feel better and get up.” I will try to pull my rag doll body out of bed and into the shower…!!!
Thank God It’s Beta Day!!!
Left my phone for 10 minutes and inevitably that is when the doctor’s office called. I sort of like messages though, anyway, because you can listen over and over and analyze (and drive yourself more nuts!).
My beta today, at 22dpo, 17dp5dt, 5w1d is 3,713.
(doubling time = 47.06)
This rise is “appropriate,” though certainly doesn’t put us in any sort of overachiever category. I, myself, am a perfectionist overachiever type, but I will try not to project this on to my little embryo who is working its tiny sesame seed sized bum off to grow healthy and strong. Based on my own calculations, I should have been somewhere around 3,800 today, so actually, this number is exactly perfect. Slow and steady wins the race. If my embryo wants to be exactly average right now, that is perfectly fine with me.
Ultrasound scheduled for Tuesday morning, which will be 5w5d. I am SO excited and also SO nervous because I know there is such a range of things you may or may not see this early. I really am going to try to take this one day at a time and enjoy the mere fact that, HELLO, I am actually pregnant. 😊
(I’m singing “It’s the final countdown…”)
Seriously, I had some left overs from pee stick obsessed week, so I used two more tonight and now I’m really really done! Beta tomorrow and hopefully they will schedule my first ultrasound! Weeeee!
Remember how I am patiently waiting for Friday for my third beta because I am out of town?
Yeah, well I peed on a Clearblue estimator stick and it came up 2-3 weeks. I then proceeded to pull the test apart with my bare hands and a paper clip, like friggen Fertility MacGyver. Of course all I found was the two test strips: one with two lines and the other with one line (which is basically the result no matter what, from what I’ve read).
I know not to put any stake in these tests as a measure of HCG (I should be above 2,000 today), but I did it anyway.
And it was completely unfulfilling. And expensive.
Is it Friday yet?
I wouldn’t exactly call what I’m in “Beta Limbo.” Beta #1 at 10dp5dt was 311, and Beta #2 at 12dp5dt was 634. So the numbers did what they needed to. Nevertheless, I am still on pins and needles.
Today is 14dp5dt and I am out of town so I couldn’t go in for Beta #3. I have to wait ALL the way until FRIDAY (17dp5dt) for my third beta and it is making me insane. Especially since I feel absolutely nothing (which, yes, I know is totally normal for week 4)!
Cue pee sticks. I bought two packs while waiting for my train today: a pack of FRER and a pack of Clearblue with the week estimator. The logical part of my brain knows that neither of these tests can give me the information or peace of mind that I am looking for, but the infertile finally pregnant crazy part of my brain took over.
So I hold my pee all afternoon and finally get to my uncle’s house, where I am crashing for the week. Of course my handy pee cup is at home, so I have to improvise. Imagine (or actually don’t!) that I am juggling the top of a container with no flat surface to put down on the counter, two different pee sticks, and trying to dip and recap both of them.
I was not successful. The digital came up with an error message and the FRER was not saturated enough to show any lines at all. Blank white screen.
Guess I will try again in the morning, for whatever little peace of mind these tests can bring me while I wait for my third beta!!!
15dpo, Beta #1 ~ 311
17dpo, Beta #2 ~ 643
Insert sigh of relief here. (And now I will move on to worrying about the next hurdle). But for now… everything is moving in the right direction. So… I’m pregnant!!!
I know so many of you have been thinking of me and praying for me. THANK YOU!!!
Going out of town this week so I won’t have a third beta until Friday,which is bound to drive me completely insane. I’m sure I will pee on lots of sticks. 😳