This past weekend, Rob and I took a long weekend in Martha’s Vineyard. It was our first time away since our honeymoon, three years ago. I guess you could call it a babymoon, but it was more like “Use the Pregnancy to Guilt Hubs into Taking a Weekend Off… Moon.”
It was a beautiful weekend, and what made it even better was the anticipation of the anatomy scan I was scheduled for the day after we got back (today).
This morning, my mom, sister, and I met at the specialist’s office. Here are short hand notes (because it’s a short hand kind of night):
- ultrasound tech was not warm & fuzzy
- tech was strict about no video or photo, even though we had been allowed to take both at the NT scan at the same location
- baby was facing my insides, which made it difficult for tech to get all measurements
- in fact, despite our best efforts (sugar, cold water, dancing, loud music, turning side to side), baby would not budge
- for an hour and a half, we tried and tried, but baby barely moved
- tech mentioned that this “worried her” a bit… who says that to a pregnant woman?!?
- tech checked heartbeat twice once baby wasn’t moving
- we got a tiny bit of responsiveness after I ate an amazing hazelnut cookie (or two) – thanks to my sister’s stash!!!
- baby was giving “rock on” symbol with one hand, which I immediately attributed to baby not having all 5 fingers on that hand, because that’s just how neurotic I am
- I got chastised several times for not having eaten breakfast before my appointment
- I was asked if I’m eating regularly and well…Uuuuh hello, I’m +12 pounds right now, which is frightening
- doc came in and said measurements they were able to record all look good – within 5 days of what was expected (slightly behind)
- doc said this lack of movement / inability to get all measurements needed happens in approx. 1 in 10 women and baby was probably just comfy and stubborn
- I return in 2 weeks to complete the scan since they could not get all of the measurements
Now, in spite of doc telling me repeatedly not to worry, of course I am worried! I am worried because I was starting to feel much more movement a few days ago and have barely felt anything since. Worried because baby was so so mellow today in spite of my best efforts. Worried because of the measurements that are a bit behind.
I know that none of these warrant legit worry – at least not yet – but what can I say. My battle to get this far did not exactly result in a calm and easy going prego. I can’t make apologies for that. I try to keep it in check (and publicly, I do, … for the most part!), but as for what goes on in my already anxiety prone mind, well, I don’t have much control over that. Just praying that the next 2 weeks fly by and that I get some peace of mind at my next visit.
profile shots of my cute little doodlebug at 20w5d
I ate a turkey sandwich from my favorite kosher deli. I nuked it in the micro first, but I am still nervous because that’s me. I am the kind of person who is irrationally scared of food poisoning when I am not pregnant, and I just ate deli meat. This is called desperation.
So, pregnancy gods, I implore you! I have been scared to eat for weeks and I needed something with nutritional value. Please forgive me just this once.
No, I couldn’t really enjoy it, but yeah, it was good…
Today (well, yesterday… I fell asleep midpost!) began with me freaking myself out. (So what else is new?!?) I signed into my online patient portal for my new obgyn and saw that my most recent blood panel results had been entered in. One test at a time, I checked my results against the recommended ranges and everything looked perfect… until I got to this scary sounding thing called parvovirus.
Right away I went to the good ol’ Internet. Parvovirus B19 is more commonly known as fifths disease. It is common among young and school aged children and presents like a common cold, sometimes with a fever and rash. It is not dangerous unless you are immonocompromised (which pregnant women are), and it can infect the fetus and cause miscarriage. Cue freak out. Once I calmed down and read 17 additional scary statistics, I looked back at my blood results. I noticed that “Parvovirus igg” was elevated, but “Parvovirus igm” was in the normal range.
Back to google. Turns out “igg” represents the antibodies and indicates that I once had the virus. Meanwhile, “igm,” which was normal, indicates current infection. When I followed up with my mom, she confirmed that yes, I had fifths disease when I was very young. And when I followed up with doctor, she confirmed that my results were merely an indication of former infection and so not to worry. In fact, she told me, even better because now I am immune!
Something new to learn every day of this journey…
The day of my blood BFP (and day after), I had some mild cramps and brown spotting. I only needed one panty liner and it was enough to worry me but then it went away.
I haven’t had any more cramping or bleeding until two nights ago at 6w6d. I actually said to my husband, “something is wrong.” We ended up doing my PIO shot and then I got right into bed and crashed (which seems to be the routine). Last night I had more spotting and this morning more still (all brown), with definite mild AF cramps in the background. Which are getting stronger as I write this.
I’m talking myself into believing that my uterus is growing and my cervix is a little angry for this, that, or the other reason… but I CAN’T SHAKE THE NEGATIVITY.
I virtually have no symptoms other than boob stuff and being tired, which can both be attributed to the progesterone. My skin looks better than usual, my pee schedule is normal, no cravings or aversions or sensitivities. I know this can be normal, and trust me, I do NOT want to puke, but at the risk of sounding like so many other women, it would be reassuring to feel pregnant.
Last night my PIO shot ended with spurting blood. The kind that soaked the top of my pants in the back. I’m guessing it is because the area is so bruised, but it was not pleasant. Not for me, or for Rob, who is queasy and squirmish about giving me my shots on a good night…
I guess I am just in a low and anxious place right now. I don’t want to be. I want to feel grateful. I want to be ecstatic and glowing and pregnant.
Last week I went out of town for a professional development workshop. I had just found out I was pregnant so it was late in my fourth week. It was the coldest week of the year and I was commuting on the dirty trains and cabs and EVERYTHING about the experience made it feel like a bad idea.
But I can’t live in a bubble for 9 months (or even three), and my district paid for me to attend. I felt like I had no choices. Even my very own husband was telling me to suck it up and stop looking for an excuse to come home.
So that’s what I did. I sucked it up. And sure enough I got sick. Saturday morning I woke up with a fever and a stomach thing (which is a source of panic for me in the first place).
And my 102 fever didn’t break for 24 hours.
And I definitely didn’t drink enough fluids even though I really tried.
And now I’m worried. (What a shocker)
I’m worried that my tiny little sesame seed who is working so hard to grow and thrive was somehow compromised.
And I am mad at myself for not trusting my instincts to take it easy last week. I am also mad at myself for reading old babycenter threads about fevers in early pregnancy.
I am not a religious person, but I have been bargaining with God and/or whatever higher power exists all day that I will ALWAYS trust myself from now on if (s)he can let this one slide and please let my baby be okay.
This is also when I realized that I was NOT maintaining a safe disconnect from the life inside of me even though I really thought I was. It took 5 weeks and 4 days – (if we are counting from arbitrary fake retrieval dates before an FET) – 5 weeks and 4 days to be connected to this little peppercorn.
Logically, I KNOW that everything is probably fine, and that if it’s not, there is probably nothing I could have done differently to prevent it. But that only goes so far in calming me down. My 5w5d ultrasound is tomorrow.
I don’t want to lose another one.
Update: When I took my temp it was 102. So my body is fighting something. I called my doctor and she just said Tylenol and fluids. 😔
5w2d today. I had a little bit of a rough sleep last night, having little waves of not feeling well. Then when I woke up (and for the next few hours), I will spare you the details but let’s just say my stomach was angry about something.
I would like to think that this is a symptom, but my research yielded that this is actually not a common first trimester symptom, plus my head and body started to ache when I was trying to clean for the company we are having today (25 people for R’s cousin’s surprise party).
We also went out to eat last night and there is always the possibility that I really need to cut back on rich foods while my body is working overtime to grow a human.
Of course R told me to take it easy this morning, which I did, but now I can tell he is getting antsy for me to “just feel better and get up.” I will try to pull my rag doll body out of bed and into the shower…!!!
10 Truths From Today
1. One of the doctors (who I don’t see often) said, “You have a complicated cervix.” (So I’ve been told…) Later on, after she [finally] inserted the Dilapan, the tech referred to her as the “cervix whisperer.”
2. Dilapan #3 sucked to put in…
3. … but it worked! Mock embryo transfer afterwards went perfectly! Now it just needs to go like that for the real thing.
4. Nothing beats my mother for comfort, companionship, and support.
5. Costco actually has some really nice furniture. And I have a new coat rack to prove it.
6. I know my protocol better than my clinic. (I told them I needed an antibiotic and that I had to have blood drawn today). I’m a little annoyed that they missed those details. Be proactive and stay on top of your $hit during your cycles!
7. Everything terrible you have heard about Lupron is basically true.
8. Taking a double dose of antibiotics (prescribed), will upset your stomach. Especially if you are already pumped full of other meds.
9. Sometimes the needle goes right in. And sometimes it doesn’t…
10. Wearing fun perfectly mismatched socks can provide at least a sliver of comfort on a tough day.
This morning, I had bloodwork done for Estradiol and Progesterone.
“Looks like Wednesday is the big day,” says the lab tech, referring to my beta. “Don’t cheat and test early.”
“I don’t even have any tests at home,” I lied. (Actually, I bought 4 dollar store tests yesterday, just to ‘have around…’).
I don’t know why I lied. I could have just said, “I’ll try not to!”
The thing is, I am very torn. I don’t think I want good OR bad news from a phone call. So, my current plan is: undecided.
On another note, the boy has some sort of stomach bug which is giving me major anxiety. Stomach things are THE WORST. I do NOT want it, and I also hate when he is sick. So now, any cramp, twinge, fatigue, sensation, etc. can DEFINITELY be chalked up to either progesterone or anxiety. No symptom spotting for me (and anyway, I really don’t have any).
Way to take your mind off of TWW if you have an anxiety disorder and emetaphobia (fear of vomiting):
Wake up to DH having stomach issues when you KNOW everyone has been catching that terrible stomach bug lately. DH knows well enough than to admit he feels sick (“I’m just uncomfortable…”), but there’s no fooling an emetaphobe.
I’d rather be obsessing over 2ww…