Pregnancy, or Otherwise? -UPDATE

Update: When I took my temp it was 102. So my body is fighting something. I called my doctor and she just said Tylenol and fluids. 😔
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5w2d today. I had a little bit of a rough sleep last night, having little waves of not feeling well. Then when I woke up (and for the next few hours), I will spare you the details but let’s just say my stomach was angry about something.

I would like to think that this is a symptom, but my research yielded that this is actually not a common first trimester symptom, plus my head and body started to ache when I was trying to clean for the company we are having today (25 people for R’s cousin’s surprise party).

We also went out to eat last night and there is always the possibility that I really need to cut back on rich foods while my body is working overtime to grow a human.

Of course R told me to take it easy this morning, which I did, but now I can tell he is getting antsy for me to “just feel better and get up.” I will try to pull my rag doll body out of bed and into the shower…!!!

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Hi Ho, Hi Ho…

It’s off to the ER again I go.

I’m ok. I’m sore and bruised, and yes, I was rushed to the ER again today, but today’s story ends like this: I’m home and I’m ok.

I had hoped not to have much to post for awhile, but it looks like the universe had another plan.

So quick rewind: emergency surgery to remove ectopic pregnancy and ruptured tube this past Saturday. Here’s a fun fact I didn’t know until today: I lost half my blood that day. half. Like, of all my blood. The doctor referred to what I went through on Saturday as “life threatening” and “extremely dangerous.” I knew that from reading, but I hadn’t heard those words used in conjunction with me until today. **After reading this, my sister, RN, explained that what the doctor probably meant was that my hemoglobin count was half of what it should be.**

Anyway, day after surgery I woke up and the swelling and bruising on the right hand incision seemed worse so I called Dr. R and she had me send a picture and told me to come in the next morning.

Went in next AM, more bloodwork, saw my other doctor, Dr. D, (both had been present at surgery), he examined the bruising and agreed it was alarming to look at but probably just a nicked blood vessel. Sent me home with orders to come back NEXT Friday.

Got a call later that day that due to my counts, he wanted me in sooner and I scheduled for THIS Friday.

Tuesday, bruises get darker and wider, headache, dizzy, sore as hell on the right side.

This afternoon, Dr. R calls. She wants to see me right away. My numbers from Monday finally went across her desk and she was extremely concerned. She takes one look at me and tells me she is sending me for a CT Scan as a precaution.

Mom and I make the hour plus journey, go through all of the ER stuff again. More IV tries, more attempts at blood draws. Thanks to a family friend, I get bumped up the line for imaging.

6 hours later, I am discharged. I am anemic from Saturday’s surgery, have a raging headache, a small and probably harmless blood clot on the left, and bruises like you wouldn’t believe, but at least I’m home and I’m ok.

HCG went from over 6,000 to 800, which is great. My hemoglobin is back up to 8.8. So all of the numbers are moving in the right direction. Dr. McDreamy from the ER says it will take about 2 weeks until my body has replenished everything it needs, so until then just take it easy and let myself heal.

As I commented on Facebook earlier tonight:
Thanks, everyone! I’m home and looking forward to some sleep. I will be closely monitored for blood loss but numbers are moving in the right direction. My chin is up and I’m looking forward to healing and putting this behind me. Love you all for caring and sending positivity my way. It’s been a scary and emotional week but the winds are changing. xoxo

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And Then I Ruptured

Thursday: cramping and bleeding starts (again, this time allegedly from Monday’s MTX shot).

Friday: continues.

Saturday 10 AM: excruciating pain.

10:30 AM: I take two Tylenol (looking back I laugh at how futile this was)

12 pm: the pain has not subsided; it feels like stabbing in my left side and it takes my breath away- I finally stop being stubborn and call it in to the answering service.

12:30 pm: Dr. calls me right back and doesn’t hesitate to tell me to pack a bag and meet her at the hospital.

1:30 pm: arrive at hospital and the rest is somewhat of a blur
– check in: answer 500,000 questions
– triage: answer a million questions
– ER: nurse Maureen starts my IV and takes blood; I almost faint from anxiety / pain, 2 additional nurses come in for more blood (they forgot to test for one thing ordered by doc) and after being stuck 4 addition places there is nothing to show for it; answer more questions
– Ultrasound: extremely uncomfortable, she asks me to guide the probe in, my doctor is right there but she is not allowed to do ultrasound. She looks over the tech’s shoulders and sees what she needs to in order to call the surgery (there is blood pooling in my pelvis. “You are rupturing through the Methotrexate.”)
– Back to ER: quick phone call to R at work (“Stay at work just get home as quickly as you can and try to get tomorrow covered.” Lots of I love yous.). Doc informs me my Day 4 numbers had gone WAY up and she was expecting to hear from me this weekend. She is not surprised.
– OR prep: Leave mom in waiting room. Dad joins soon thereafter.
Note to family: repeatedly get described as “such a sweet girl” (how do most patients act?!?)
– Surgery: laparoscopic removal of pregnancy (an extremely healthy 6w3d embryo) and tube; don’t remember this at all, thank goodness
– Recovery 7:30 PM: they took left tube (fully ruptured- it was “badly diseased.”), other tube also looks pretty not-so- good but they leave it without medical reason for removal; this is of course the dark cloud of the whole ordeal for me…
– Pediatrics (post recovery and dishcharge); though I have 3 incisions, the one on the right (and the whole right side of my body seems to be sorest, also my throat from the anesthesia tube, I have to pee and eat a turkey sandwich before I can be discharged; answer 2 million more questions

11:45 PM: home sweet home – R finally home from work, mom finally gets some sleep

4:00 AM: I got a little sleep but it’s hard to recline. Also, I am very bloated from the anesthesia which is actually extremely painful from neck to hip. Right surgical site appears to have more blood and stuff going on; not sure what that’s about. Hopefully it’s normal.

** Silver lining: I don’t need to return for Blood work and possible second MTX shot tomorrow morning. Also, I came out of the infertility closet on Facebook. My #100happydays post was about being grateful for my doctors and care and had a pic of my room on the pediatric floor. In my post I urged people to tell their TTC troubles, ending with, “It doesn’t have to be such a secret.” Many took me up on this. We are not alone.

I have even more to process now and of course the surgery adds healing time. Follow up in two weeks. Have to wait 3 months to try again. IVF Round 2 will be with one damaged tube (supposedly there is a plan to stitch it closed or something like that so no embryo can get in. I guess will talk about that when the time comes).

Finally I just want to add that I accomplished the following things while bleeding internally:
1) I directed a musical
2) I interviewed (twice) for a new position AND got the job
3) I went out for sushi
4) I walked the dog several times a day
5) I led a workshop for new teachers in my district

So anytime I don’t feel up to something, I’m just going to encourage myself, “It’s not like you’re bleeding internally right now…” Note to self: this should also work on the man, i.e. “Please walk the dog. It’s not like you’re bleeding internally…”

And now the road to recovery…

Ob La Di…

It is a very strange feeling to have life continue on around you, even though everything in your private world has stopped.

When my cramping and bleeding began last Thursday (almost a week ago?!?), all I wanted to do was crawl into bed. But I had a show to direct, and an interview to attend. And the world kept turning, and I did these things, even though my heart had stopped.

And we haven’t stopped moving into our new {old} house just because we are suffering a loss. There is painting and unpacking and cleaning and choosing furniture. It is all still happening. Even though at times, I catch myself in another world, not breathing.

R has been with me for two days but tonight he has to go back to work. The members of the country club where he works in summers still want to eat and drink and swim and party. They don’t know that he has been holding a crumpled version of his wife in his arms at night. Life goes on.

As for me, I have my game face on in public. We attempted to go out for dinner last night. I have round two of interviews this afternoon, and I will go and no one on the interview committee will see the pain that is in my heart right now. And a new school year will start in two weeks, and my students will have the funny, upbeat, lighthearted and caring teacher they deserve.

The world is turning and time is passing all around me, but my insides are still frozen.