3.5 Million

3.5 million

If I had 3.5 million dollars, I’d be ecstatic. 3.5 million M&Ms would be AMAZING. 3.5 million is a lot! Right?

But 3.5 million post wash sperm is another story. 3.5 million, in this case, is below average. Low, even. When it comes to sperm, the TTC woman needs to be greedy. And 3.5 million is not enough.

The doctor didn’t really say much when she saw the number. Made some sort of noise that indicated “This IUI is probably a waste of time, but you’re naked from the waist down, so may as well just go through with it…” Or that’s how I perceived it, anyway…

Later this morning, after IUI #3, R texted to see how it went. I didn’t tell him. I didn’t tell him that he didn’t give me enough strong swimmers this month for a fair shot. I didn’t send him links with lists of foods that can increase sperm count. I didn’t lecture about stress, or healthy eating, or getting enough sleep.

I simply said, “Ok. Now we wait.”

I made an appointment to talk about “next steps.” When we first began treatments I really thought meds and IUI would be enough for me. I naively thought that surely I would be pregnant by now. But I’m not just one of those people who needed a few more months, a healthy egg, and good timing. No. Infertility is a very real thing. It is scary and it is frustrating and it is unknown. And it is part of me.