Methotrexate and Me

* Ectopic /Loss Mentioned; may be a tigger for some. *

One shot in each butt cheek, and by the weekend we should start to see the numbers go down. 4-6 weeks until I’m back to neutral, if all goes smoothly. 3 months until we can try again. I am in the 1-2% of ectopic pregnancies. Go figure.

It’s no one’s fault but mine. My fat sausage tubes with scar tissue from endometriosis and maybe that one bad pap smear I had back in college.

The man came with me for the shots, which I didn’t think was necessary until we were leaving the doctors office. Then, thank god I had someone to break down to and he was as comforting as anyone could be right after you’ve just had pregnancy ending chemo drugs injected into you.
Me: Will you still love me even if I can’t give you children?
R: (pulling me closer and kissing the top of my head) I didn’t marry you for your Fallopian tubes.

But I’m relieved it’s done and that I’m not in limbo anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I am devastated and have shed my share of tears with more to come, but I have suspected this would be the outcome for the past 4 days and I am relieved to be on the other side of the verdict.

And like clockwork, the fertility necklace I ordered weeks ago arrived today of all days:

The color of infertility awareness, a reminder that miracles happen every day, and moonstone which is said to have positive influence on fertility.

I am looking forward to three months of getting my life back: my hormone levels, my body, my mornings not spent in the waiting room. I’d rather be pregnant, but I will try to use this time to heal and to be as happy and fulfilled as I can be.

And when those three months have past, there is a perfect 5 day blast waiting for me “in the freezer.” And I just have to believe in miracles.