What Would You Do If…

An hour before my first “big girl” (non fertility doctor) prenatal appointment on Monday, my phone rang. It was a colleague of mine. I had confided in her last year while I was going through some of my fertility treatments. She herself had suffered from RPL, though she now has two healthy children. (Yay!!!) 

I should mention she is a supervisor for our district and has always liked both my husband and myself. She can be a little abrasive but if you are on her good side, then you start to learn that this is just her personality. She tells it like it is. I do respect her very much professionally and appreciate her friendship.  For the sake of this entry, I will call her K. Here’s how the convo went:

K: I just talked to your husband. He said you are looking for a doctor.

Me: He did? He knows I have an appointment this afternoon. I’m leaving in half an hour!

K: Who are you using?

Me: (gives name of group)

K: No you’re not. Cancel the appointment. That’s who (name of former colleague) used. I’m texting you my doctor’s information. Call him and make an appointment…

The rest of the conversation was a blur. To explain, a few years ago, a staff member in our district experienced a terrible tragedy. 6 days after she gave birth to her first child, she died from an infection. According to the articles that were written about her, she had called the doctor’s office several times complaining of a fever and not feeling well, and was told that this could be attributed to the fact that she had just been through childbirth. (She had no complications with her pregnancy and her delivery was textbook). 

Obviosly, when I learned that she had used the same practice as I was about to start using, I was shaken. I had done my homework before I made the appointment. My sister, who was a nurse at the hospital where I am going to deliver, asked her colleagues for recommendations. I read up on many doctors online. I even opted to use a hospital 40 minutes away rather than 5 because I wasn’t happy with what I had heard about the closer hospital. 

I should mention that K ended the conversation by telling me to do whatever I was comfortable with, but that she couldn’t in good conscience not tell me. I also learned later, from my husband, that he had told her who I was using and that I was going that afternoon. So she called already knowing the trajectory the conversation would take.

 Both my husband and my sister have told me to ignore K. She couldn’t say for sure who the doctor was or even if (s)he is still part of the practice. Unfortunately, there are tragedies that occur and it could happen to anyone with any doctor. The bottom line is, I’m 11 weeks today. I don’t have all the time, money, and blood in the world to go around trying lots of doctors. Obviously I know I have to be my own advocate and go the extra mile to do the best for myself and baby.

I went to my appointment in spite of the phone call. I wasn’t blown away or anything, but it was fine.The doctor did forget to give me my prescription for blood work and NT Scan until I asked at the front desk. Then he apologized profusely. I don’t know… maybe it is worth a comparison shop. What do you think?

The other naggibg thing about this whole incident is that Rob said something to K about how much unnecessary anxiety she caused me and now I’m afraid she is going to act differently around me. If she cut us from the good side to the bad side, that’s going to crush me.

Argh; this is the first time I have regretted being open about my journey with people I know. But maybe it is a blessing in disguise. I’m very conflicted. 

8 Week Lack-of-Bumpdate

Obviously no bump yet, but I still had fun making this little collage.

I have been very Libra – indecisive – about how  I want to do my weekly bump photos. First of all, this outfit is so blah… but it is clingy and stretchy and I know it will work throughout the pregnancy. 

The chalkboard updates that people do are so adorable but I am not artistic. No, not even with assorted fruits and vegetables. I think I will stick to using an app on my phone. And maybe one day I will look presentable enough to keep my face in the picture. (Maybe I need to move picture day from Thursday night to Saturday afternoon. 😎)

Other updates:

  • omg the boobs – I can confidently state that the best part of my day is taking off my bra 
  • a little nausea, but eating and/or resting usually helps
  • fatigue continues
  • crazy vivid dreams continue
  • I have an appointment scheduled with the big girl OBGYN at the end of the month 
  • I bought the pregnancy journal “The Belly Book,” but haven’t started to fill it out yet
  • I am touring a new gym facility on Tuesday and can’t wait to get active again
  • I still get a pang of envy/jealousy when people announce their pregnancies on Facebook. I don’t really understand this, but I guess the scars of an infertile are forever. 



Thank God It’s Beta Day!!!

Left my phone for 10 minutes and inevitably that is when the doctor’s office called. I sort of like messages though, anyway, because you can listen over and over and analyze (and drive yourself more nuts!).

My beta today, at 22dpo, 17dp5dt, 5w1d is 3,713.
(doubling time = 47.06)

This rise is “appropriate,” though certainly doesn’t put us in any sort of overachiever category. I, myself, am a perfectionist overachiever type, but I will try not to project this on to my little embryo who is working its tiny sesame seed sized bum off to grow healthy and strong. Based on my own calculations, I should have been somewhere around 3,800 today, so actually, this number is exactly perfect. Slow and steady wins the race. If my embryo wants to be exactly average right now, that is perfectly fine with me.

Ultrasound scheduled for Tuesday morning, which will be 5w5d. I am SO excited and also SO nervous because I know there is such a range of things you may or may not see this early. I really am going to try to take this one day at a time and enjoy the mere fact that, HELLO, I am actually pregnant. 😊

The Girl Who Cried Blood – UPDATED

(Below this is my original post from this AM)

Well, just about as soon as I pressed publish on my post this morning, the light bleeding and mild cramps became heavy and steady bleeding and extreme cramping. I had to hold it together. We had over 100 people in the audience and of course I didn’t want my kids to see that anything was bothering me on their special day. As the show went on, the cramps worsened but I kept a huge dorky grin plastered on my face. In spite of everything, I managed to be filled with such pride for my cast. I work with truly talented and remarkable kids.

Then it was off to the interview. I was very shaky which I’m sure was a mix of nerves and not feeling well. There were 6 people on the interview committee, all of whom I know decently well, having worked in my district for 10 years. I was definitely not at the too of my game but I made it through. I’m sure it just came off as nerves.

As soon as I left the interview I left a message with my nurse an broke down in the car. I think I will subtitle today, “The day she rallied like a beast.”

The nurse called back and said, “Don’t panic.” I laughed. I’m going in tomorrow for beta and they will attempt an ultrasound (I will be 5w2d tomorrow). I haven’t passed any clots and now that I’m lying down the bleeding seems to be tapering off a bit, though I’m still crampy. I know there could be a miracle but I’m trying to stay realistic about this.
(Earlier today)
I know that light bleeding and mild cramps could mean nothing. Or it could mean something. Very conclusive.

5w1d today and {not so} patiently waiting for Monday’s bloodwork and ultrasound. But I would be lying if I said I wasn’t completely freaked out and pessimistic right now. At the risk of sounding like every other woman who had a hard time conceiving and a rocky start to early pregnancy…

Of course today is a big day. The final production for the kids’ summer theater workshop I run is this morning. Then I have an interview for a potential new position in my school district. I have to compartmentalize right now. I have to get my head in the game for the next six hours. If only my head weren’t so fuzzy.

I hope this is me being over anxious for no reason. Women cramp in early pregnancy. Women spot and even bleed sometimes. It doesn’t necessarily mean anything is wrong. But it could.

Gotta get my game face on…