The Woman Behind the Blog

I want to use this bright and sunny (though still frigid) Saturday to come out from behind the blogging curtain.

When I started this blog, I made the decision to be anonymous. At the time, I wasn’t broadcasting about my fertility to many people in my real life. I was nervous that somehow someone would stumble upon my blog and my cover would be blown. And of course, there are the posts about sex, fights, and other very personal aspects of life that you wouldn’t necessarily want a random colleague to read about in black and white.

That was years ago, and my relationships with many of you have grown. My blog has changed. Basically everyone who knows me knows my journey. So I decided that I was ready to put a face and name to my blog.

Here we are on New Years Eve (just a couple of months ago).



Rob, Holli, and of course our precious Macie.



Here’s an artsy shot I took of myself in January.

Well… that’s it! You can call me Holli now and put a face to my name. 💖

Fertility MacGyver

Remember how I am patiently waiting for Friday for my third beta because I am out of town?

Yeah, well I peed on a Clearblue estimator stick and it came up 2-3 weeks. I then proceeded to pull the test apart with my bare hands and a paper clip, like friggen Fertility MacGyver. Of course all I found was the two test strips: one with two lines and the other with one line (which is basically the result no matter what, from what I’ve read).

I know not to put any stake in these tests as a measure of HCG (I should be above 2,000 today), but I did it anyway.

And it was completely unfulfilling. And expensive.

Is it Friday yet?

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Still haven’t tested.

Tonight, when R did my progesterone shot, it was a zinging pain the whole time like he hit a nerve but I told him not to stop and he finished the injection. I don’t know if that was the right call, but I panicked.

Immediately following, I had a bizarre wave of nausea / heartburn, and obviously had no appetite for dinner. Now, about 15 minutes later, I am doubled over in cramps. I really had been feeling fine until the shot and I can’t help but think it’s related to the progesterone. Is it possible to inject it into a nerve or something? We never do the little pull back for blood. It’s all at can do to get the needle in and plunge…

Not much else to say about it, but figured I’d report… Beta day is getting closer. Cute story about my doc’s phone call when I’m feeling better. Wow that shot seems to have rendered me useless tonight. Yikes.

6dp5dt – Don’t POAS Patrol

I’m caving little by little as the days become more realistic testing days. My original plan was to test at home the day before my beta. I will stick to that – unless the universe throws a really great reason not to, my way.

But nevertheless, the struggle is real. For me, this part (the waiting) is harder than injections, retrievals, daily blood draws… this is the part I do not want to endure again and again. And it is so hard not to test early.

My mom and I have been considering my Grandma Eva, who passed away back when I was in high school, to be sort of like a guardian angel for me during this cycle. Today, when I mentioned wanting to test, my mom went radio silent. Then, suddenly, this photo of my grandmother appeared on my screen, with the message, “This woman wants you to wait!”

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I laughed, teared up a little, and decided that I surely can’t let my a Grandma Eva down. She is looking over me, protecting me, and I’m sure doing whatever she can to help this cycle play out the way it is meant to. I promised myself I will look at this picture whenever I’m feeling weak about testing in the next few days.

My sister’s text was more lighthearted, but equally effective:

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Quick 5dp5dt Update

All I have to say is that weekends are the worst when you are trying not to obsess over whether or not you’re pregnant!!! Even though this week is going to be NUTS at work, I’m still looking forward to it. I need to be busy!!!

All day I thought surely I must have miscounted and be at least 6 or 7 days past transfer, but even this non math girl can count to 5. My sister is being a great support, encouraging me not to test and letting me vent to her about this no matter how annoying I get.

So here’s what’s going on (it’s not much):

– progesterone injection sites are extremely sore and “hardened”, especially on the right side. No bueno. (.)Y(.)

– last night I was super thirsty; it should be noted that I didn’t drink all day and this definitely explains extreme PM thirst 😳

– noticeable soreness increase in the boobs today, like right before my period 😣

– noticeable irritability, like right before my period 😬

That’s all, folks. No phantom tugging behind my uterus or extra pee breaks or early increased sense of smell. Nothing that I have read far too many old forum posts about today while procrastinating doing my work. (Seriously, pinching and tugging? I think these girls must be imagining these feelings!!!) Now I’m off to plan my observation lesson for tomorrow AM, when all I want to do is a post-progesterone crawl into bed!

4dp5dt – Pepper & Pessimism

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Yes, that is cayenne pepper on my avocado, and no, I’m not the kind of person who sprinkles pepper and sriracha on everything. Somewhere in my excessive googling, I came across the information that cayenne is great for implantation because it increases blood flow immediately upon ingestion. So that’s what the pepper is all about. What about the pessimism?

Yesterday was a bad day. I’m on 1.5 cc of progesterone and it is rendering me balls-to-the-wall tired. The shots are leaving me much more sore than last cycle, though of course this is a minor discomfort that I am totally willing to live with if it helps us grow healthy babies. To top it off, it’s school musical week and yesterday was the worst rehearsal I can remember in about a decade of directing children’s theater. I tried to stay calm and think of the little embabies, but I was unsuccessful. The truth is, my two week wait has been / will be the opposite of restful and calm, but there isn’t much I can do about it. Oh, did I mention I am being observed at work on Monday by a principal who has never seen me teach before? Some of you may remember that my tube began to rupture on the day I was directing my summer show in the AM and had an interview in the PM. I always have impeccable timing!

4dp5dt is a very boring place. You know it’s too early to think about testing (though there ARE those who get BFP this early, which makes it even harder to resist), and my body is doing absolutely nothing. Except being tired at night after a long day’s work. Nothing too remarkable about that.

Well, as my doctor put it yesterday when she called with my doses, “You’re getting close! Only a few days from being a few days away…”