8 Week Lack-of-Bumpdate

Obviously no bump yet, but I still had fun making this little collage.

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I have been very Libra – indecisive – about how  I want to do my weekly bump photos. First of all, this outfit is so blah… but it is clingy and stretchy and I know it will work throughout the pregnancy. 

The chalkboard updates that people do are so adorable but I am not artistic. No, not even with assorted fruits and vegetables. I think I will stick to using an app on my phone. And maybe one day I will look presentable enough to keep my face in the picture. (Maybe I need to move picture day from Thursday night to Saturday afternoon. šŸ˜Ž)

Other updates:

  • omg the boobs – I can confidently state that the best part of my day is taking off my bra 
  • a little nausea, but eating and/or resting usually helps
  • fatigue continues
  • crazy vivid dreams continue
  • I have an appointment scheduled with the big girl OBGYN at the end of the month 
  • I bought the pregnancy journal “The Belly Book,” but haven’t started to fill it out yet
  • I am touring a new gym facility on Tuesday and can’t wait to get active again
  • I still get a pang of envy/jealousy when people announce their pregnancies on Facebook. I don’t really understand this, but I guess the scars of an infertile are forever. 

xoxo

7w5dĀ 

Today ranks way up there. I think I accidentally let myself believe that I am actually pregnant!

We got to see Doodlebug (and heartbeat) again:

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And we saw about a week of growth, give or take a day in either direction depending on which measurements we go by.

Also, the weaning off of Estrace and progesterone has begun!!! Down to 2x Estrace and 1cc of progesterone. This is GREAT news; I think I squealed with excitement when I heard the voicemail.

There was and awkward moment when I told my doc that I needed two seemingly contradictory notes: one that says I need to take a medical leave from teaching aerobics, and another that cleared me to exercise in case my new fitness center asks for one. (I decided this was the best decision for me and baby, ultimately. I want to exercise, but high impact aerobics is not my best option right now). However, I was stumbling over my words and didn’t explain myself well and he made a strange face but had the nurse write the notes anyway. šŸ˜œ

Looks like my IVF clinic will be breaking up with me in a couple more weeks (though they call it “graduating”). I chose the hospital I want to deliver at, and by the end of the week, I need to choose an OBGYN group and make an appointment! 

Here’s to cautious optimism…

The Day When…

…you were too tired to go inside when you got home from work, so you napped in the car for a few.

At 7w4d, fatigue remains my front running symptom. The boobs-they are growin’! To be accurate, the right one is growing significantly more than the left.  Also, I feel full all the time, even when I know I’m not.  I don’t think doodlebug (named by my fabulous sis after she saw last week’s ultrasound pic) likes to share room with food. Oh well, at least it’s not coming up. Thank goodness for that! šŸ˜‰

My acupuncturist assures me that my treatments are what’s keeping any sickness at bay. I like when she calls me “mama-to-be” as she fills out my chart.

Oh, and then there are the dreams. The super vivid, practically every night, dreams. Last night’s was about having to turn down a role with my favorite director (community theater) because I would be showing too much by show time. And in my dream, I was really upset that I had to give this part of my life up, and even regretted it a little. Oh, the subconscience!

Ok, I guess I do have some symptoms.

Ultrasound tomorrow. Always a nervous and excited wreck on Ultrasound mornings!

Out damn spot.

The day of my blood BFP (and day after), I had some mild cramps and brown spotting. I only needed one panty liner and it was enough to worry me but then it went away.

I haven’t had any more cramping or bleeding until two nights ago at 6w6d. I actually said to my husband, “something is wrong.” We ended up doing my PIO shot and then I got right into bed and crashed (which seems to be the routine). Last night I had more spotting and this morning more still (all brown), with definite mild AF cramps in the background. Which are getting stronger as I write this.

I’m talking myself into believing that my uterus is growing and my cervix is a little angry for this, that, or the other reason… but I CAN’T SHAKE THE NEGATIVITY.

I virtually have no symptoms other than boob stuff and being tired, which can both be attributed to the progesterone. My skin looks better than usual, my pee schedule is normal, no cravings or aversions or sensitivities. I know this can be normal, and trust me, I do NOT want to puke, but at the risk of sounding like so many other women, it would be reassuring to feel pregnant. 

Last night my PIO shot ended with spurting blood. The kind that soaked the top of my pants in the back. I’m guessing it is because the area is so bruised, but it was not pleasant. Not for me, or for Rob, who is queasy and squirmish about giving me my shots on a good night…

I guess I am just in a low and anxious place right now. I don’t want to be. I want to feel grateful. I want to be ecstatic and glowing and pregnant.

Books

I think I’m ready… what are your favorite pregnancy books and journals?

Seeing the heartbeat is the milestone I was waiting for, but it still feels like it’s all going to get pulled out from under me at any monent. And if I order a book, I’m sure to jinx it.

Yes, I know that’s irrational. Send me your recommendations and by the time I research them all and choose, maybe I will have one more ultrasound under my belt. šŸ˜¬

6w5d Update & Exercise ?

We got to see the tiniest little flicker of a heartbeat this morning! My gosh that thing was cute! Too early to measure or hear but it’s definitely beating and I’m so relieved about that. Not that I ever feel truly “relieved.”

I am measuring a few days behind, at 6w 2 or 3 days. The doctor said not to worry. I will do my best to take this advice but google is at my fingertips. :/

What I am so hoping for is to be told later that based on my blood work, we can reduce my progesterone from 1.5cc down to 1cc. My hips are literally burning and there’s nowhere new left to stick me. 

The next decision I have to make is if/when to resume teaching aerobics. The doctor cleared me for low impact and cautioned that I must keep my heart rate below 120. My husband does not want me to chance it. He doesn’t want me to teach at all. We have been through so much to get to this point and it seems ridiculous to do anything risky. On the other hand, exercise is good for mom and baby, and can make pregnancy and labor “smoother.” I really am not sure what to do. Weigh in if you have any insight. Thanks! šŸ’Ŗ

5w6d

Heartburn.

Not complaining. Just recording. šŸ˜œ

About 17 years ago (wtf?!?) I was diagnosed with esophageal ulcer and hiatal hernia. Every now and then one or the other flares up (mostly when I eat popcorn).

This feels like that. Not sure if that’s even what heartburn is, to be completely honest. Also not entirely sure if it’s a pregnancy symptom or somehow part of me getting over whatever illness I had over the weekend.

Nevertheless, documenting.

1 Little Bean

I actually woke up this morning full of dread, knowing in my heart that something was wrong.

I am ecstatic to report that I. Was. Wrong.

There is one healthy little sesame seed in there (in my uterus!) measuring one day ahead at 5w6d. Yolk sac visible and very tiny beginnings of the fetal pole. Of course I had to clarify with the doctor, “So there is nothing for me to be worried about right now, right?” And he and nurse Tina smiled and assured me that everything looks exactly right.

1 week until next ultrasound.

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To top it off, I just received a text from the man that says, “I’m so excited!”

It Took 5 Weeks and 4 Days

Last week I went out of town for a professional development workshop. I had just found out I was pregnant so it was late in my fourth week. It was the coldest week of the year and I was commuting on the dirty trains and cabs and EVERYTHING about the experience made it feel like a bad idea.

But I can’t live in a bubble for 9 months (or even three), and my district paid for me to attend. I felt like I had no choices. Even my very own husband was telling me to suck it up and stop looking for an excuse to come home.

So that’s what I did. I sucked it up. And sure enough I got sick. Saturday morning I woke up with a fever and a stomach thing (which is a source of panic for me in the first place).

And my 102 fever didn’t break for 24 hours.
And I definitely didn’t drink enough fluids even though I really tried.
And now I’m worried. (What a shocker)
I’m worried that my tiny little sesame seed who is working so hard to grow and thrive was somehow compromised.
And I am mad at myself for not trusting my instincts to take it easy last week. I am also mad at myself for reading old babycenter threads about fevers in early pregnancy.

I am not a religious person, but I have been bargaining with God and/or whatever higher power exists all day that I will ALWAYS trust myself from now on if (s)he can let this one slide and please let my baby be okay.

This is also when I realized that I was NOT maintaining a safe disconnect from the life inside of me even though I really thought I was. It took 5 weeks and 4 days – (if we are counting from arbitrary fake retrieval dates before an FET) – 5 weeks and 4 days to be connected to this little peppercorn.

Logically, I KNOW that everything is probably fine, and that if it’s not, there is probably nothing I could have done differently to prevent it. But that only goes so far in calming me down. My 5w5d ultrasound is tomorrow.

I don’t want to lose another one.

Pregnancy, or Otherwise? -UPDATE

Update: When I took my temp it was 102. So my body is fighting something. I called my doctor and she just said Tylenol and fluids. šŸ˜”
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5w2d today. I had a little bit of a rough sleep last night, having little waves of not feeling well. Then when I woke up (and for the next few hours), I will spare you the details but let’s just say my stomach was angry about something.

I would like to think that this is a symptom, but my research yielded that this is actually not a common first trimester symptom, plus my head and body started to ache when I was trying to clean for the company we are having today (25 people for R’s cousin’s surprise party).

We also went out to eat last night and there is always the possibility that I really need to cut back on rich foods while my body is working overtime to grow a human.

Of course R told me to take it easy this morning, which I did, but now I can tell he is getting antsy for me to “just feel better and get up.” I will try to pull my rag doll body out of bed and into the shower…!!!