Added to the protocol for IVF2: hysteroscopy.

Early morning on Monday, 11/17, in the pouring rain, my mom accompanied me to the main branch of my fertility group for this procedure.

If I’m being honest, I was actually looking forward to a day off from work and the excuse to catch up on some sleep.

The nurse started my IV easily, which almost never happens, and we were off on the standard rigamarole: paperwork, pills, explanations, etc. For some reason, anxiety started to creep in.

On the table, as they were prepping me, I realized that my anxiety was really intense but I couldn’t place why. For the first time in my life I irrationally questioned if the anesthesia would work. I actually felt like the anxiety was strong enough to trump the drugs! But of course, I was out cold moments later.

It did not feel like a peaceful “out cold” to me. I actually felt like I woke up once, though I’m sure I couldn’t have. When I DID wake up in recovery, it wasn’t a pleasant, groggy, sedated, gradual wake up either. I swore I heard doctors and nurses saying scary things, that clearly I did not really hear. I was shivering with cold from head to toe and had a feeling of dread.

When the doctor came in, he reported that my uterus looked healthy, and while we will still have to wait for the official pathology report, he didn’t see anything or have to remove anything.

I had minimal cramping and slept most of the day and night away. R made dinner, cleaned, and took care of the pup.

But here’s the thing. 2 days later still don’t quite feel well. I can. not. get. warm. My eyes feel tired and feverish, but I do not have a fever. My supervisor asked me today if I am coming down with something.

So, I hope it’s just residuals from anesthesia, but I’ve never realized effects like these before. Maybe I will think twice before getting excited to go under next time!

To Start Again

I went MIA after my ectopic and surgery this summer.

It wasn’t really a conscious decision; I guess I just needed to detox.  There was (and is) some guilt that I stopped reading and responding to others’ blogs.  Especially after all of the love and support I received in my time of need.  It doesn’t mean I stopped caring about all of your journeys… I guess it was just my way of coping with my own.

It has been just over two months since my rupture and we are about to embark on IVF round 2.  I have very mixed feelings about this.  When people ask me how I am doing, I say that I feel great, and I honestly mean it!!!  Physically, I am strong and healthy.  The whole ordeal feels like a blip on the radar.  But every now and then I am caught off guard and brought back to the memory of August and it stuns me and gets caught in my throat.  And I am about to put myself through it again.

We have one perfect embryo on ice, but I have decided to do a fresh cycle.  This way, we can (hopefully) transfer two and  have some others left to freeze.  My optimistic thinking is that if I do a fresh cycle now, it can potentially be the last full IVF I have to do, and down the line, the embryos will have been conceived by a 34 year old me…even if I am over that 35 or 38 hump by the time we use them.

My doctor wants to be more aggressive this time around since the first retrieval did not yield as many eggs as we had hoped (6).  Soooo, when I get my period (end of this week if I am on time), I will start BCP, and schedule a hysteroscopy.  I will be taking HGH (Human Growth Hormone i.e. steroids), and my doses for all stims will be higher.

My doctor is predicting an end of December or early January transfer, barring any unforeseen circumstances.  I have learned not to count ahead 9 months, or to try and figure out what our potential birth announcements might look like depending on the time of year.  At least I think I have learned that…

For now, I am going to enjoy my last drug free, doctor free week.  Those have been the perks of the last few months, but now it is time to start again.