Up, Up, & Away

There are four things going up right now:

5w4d
My beta level: (was 1684 on Friday, is now 2800)
My temperature: 101.6
My anxiety: immeasurable
My cramping & bleeding: bleeding is back to a medium flow of dark blood; cramps are rendering me useless and localized on the left hand side

My doctors are all somewhat stumped about the fever. There is no gestational sac on my ultrasound. I’m not sure how this could be anything but ectopic. There is an embryo hanging on for dear life somewhere in my body. Must have my sense of direction. My poor attempt at humor when really I’m miserable.

I’m just so done with the not knowing. I was really hoping for falling beta numbers today (and so was my doctor). Falling beta numbers = try again in 1-2 months. Ectopic = have to wait 3-4 months. Not that I feel ready to try again, but I’ve learned the woman’s body and mind are so totally resilient when it comes to TTC.

I go tomorrow for repeat bloodwork, urine sample to rule out UTI, ultrasound, and they will check out the PIO injection sites. She also swabbed me for infections today.

Thank god for my mommy. The man is MIA (work from morning until 2 AM, regularly…). But let’s be honest, moms are way better at this stuff anyway. So at least I’m lucky and grateful for that.

Alright, let’s get this show on the road.. hope tomorrow brings something more definitive.

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Not a Club I Wished to Join

1684 was my lousy beta number from this morning.

Here’s what the numbers did:
38 Wed.
156 Fri.
599 Mon.
no beta Wed.; should have been 1200
1684 Fri. (today- should have been over 2,000)

I will go back Sunday. If numbers are rising but they still see nothing on ultrasound they will have to check for ectopic. If numbers decrease then it will be a regular miscarriage.

So basically I’m just waiting to hear which of two evils I will be dealing with. My dear husband still thinks I should be positive and not be fixated on it all weekend. How funny.

I’m sure I will write more about this in the coming days, but I really don’t know how to feel. Before I heard from the doctor, I thought I had come to terms with this inevitable outcome, but now it feels raw all over again. I go from devastatingly sad and crying, to apathetic and numb, to angry, and back again. At least it is happening early in the pregnancy; though it still feels like a terrible loss.

This is not a club I wished to join.