I wouldn’t exactly call what I’m in “Beta Limbo.” Beta #1 at 10dp5dt was 311, and Beta #2 at 12dp5dt was 634. So the numbers did what they needed to. Nevertheless, I am still on pins and needles.
Today is 14dp5dt and I am out of town so I couldn’t go in for Beta #3. I have to wait ALL the way until FRIDAY (17dp5dt) for my third beta and it is making me insane. Especially since I feel absolutely nothing (which, yes, I know is totally normal for week 4)!
Cue pee sticks. I bought two packs while waiting for my train today: a pack of FRER and a pack of Clearblue with the week estimator. The logical part of my brain knows that neither of these tests can give me the information or peace of mind that I am looking for, but the infertile finally pregnant crazy part of my brain took over.
So I hold my pee all afternoon and finally get to my uncle’s house, where I am crashing for the week. Of course my handy pee cup is at home, so I have to improvise. Imagine (or actually don’t!) that I am juggling the top of a container with no flat surface to put down on the counter, two different pee sticks, and trying to dip and recap both of them.
I was not successful. The digital came up with an error message and the FRER was not saturated enough to show any lines at all. Blank white screen.
Guess I will try again in the morning, for whatever little peace of mind these tests can bring me while I wait for my third beta!!!
I’m caving little by little as the days become more realistic testing days. My original plan was to test at home the day before my beta. I will stick to that – unless the universe throws a really great reason not to, my way.
But nevertheless, the struggle is real. For me, this part (the waiting) is harder than injections, retrievals, daily blood draws… this is the part I do not want to endure again and again. And it is so hard not to test early.
My mom and I have been considering my Grandma Eva, who passed away back when I was in high school, to be sort of like a guardian angel for me during this cycle. Today, when I mentioned wanting to test, my mom went radio silent. Then, suddenly, this photo of my grandmother appeared on my screen, with the message, “This woman wants you to wait!”
I laughed, teared up a little, and decided that I surely can’t let my a Grandma Eva down. She is looking over me, protecting me, and I’m sure doing whatever she can to help this cycle play out the way it is meant to. I promised myself I will look at this picture whenever I’m feeling weak about testing in the next few days.
My sister’s text was more lighthearted, but equally effective:
I’m right on the cusp of “too early to POAS” and “realistic to POAS.” This is definitely the most challenging part of the 2WW. Not to mention it’s a rainy weekend and all I have to do is laundry and curriculum writing. Not much to take my mind off of this.
I keep picturing my two little jujubes burrowing in comfy and cozy. My mantra the past few days has been, “hatch and attach!!!” According to the many handy dandy internet resources we all know and love, at 7dp3dt (or 10dpo), implantation either did not happen (boo!!!), or is complete (woohoo!!!).
I am not a POAS-aholic. However, this may be due to the fact that I usually start spotting and know AF is on the way before I get to the point of not being able to wait any longer. Progesterone adds a whole other layer because it will likely keep me from spotting and will not “allow” my period to start. During the past 48 hours, I have googled things like:
— Do you still get PMS while on progesterone?
— Can you still spot while on progesterone? (I had the smallest bit of pink / brown on 5dp3dt).
The results, of course, are inconclusive (which I knew before I looked but had to check anyway). They are inconclusive because PMS can be legit PMS or an early PG symptoms, and spotting can indicate AF or… you guessed it, be an early PG symptom. PMS symptoms = Progesterone symptoms = early PG symptoms. Thanks for that devine plan, universe!
So no matter what you know during the 2WW waiting game, you still know nothing. I am absolutely envious of the women who have only had to endure a few of these, and of course, of the women who didn’t even know they were in a two week wait.
I am firming up the plan, though: I am not waiting for my beta on Wednesday. I will test at home sometime before then. But the questions are when and how?!? I don’t even know if I want R to be with me when I test. If it’s bad news then I want him here, but if it’s good news, I’d like to surprise him somehow. All I know is that I’m definitely holding out for the weekend. So the earliest I will test is Monday 9dp3dt. Bah! Who knows!
Does anyone ever feel like they are jinxing themselves by writing about it? I may go radio silent for the next few days (on my own blog). We shall see.