‘Just So.’

Google is the devil, for people like me.  For OCD, anxiety ridden, somewhat controlling, and total perfection seeking women, that is.

Every post I read about timing and ovulation conflicts, and it is driving me insane.  And this is only month one. I  realize that everyone’s body and experience is different, but that is only minimally helpful to a person on a quest for the “correct” response.  The truth is, there is only one way to really know if you got it right, and that is to wait.  And to try. And then to wait again… until *hopefully* you get the new little bundle of joy you are hoping for.

In my mind, this was the PERFECT month for us.  R gets busier and busier with his side jobs in April, and that continues through October/November.  This week, my fertile week, my family (who we are living with for a few months to save some money) was in Florida, so we had the house to ourselves.  If this ended up being the month for us, ‘little a’ would be born right before Christmas, and my maternity leave could take me to the end of the school year and through the summer – giving me eight whole months of bonding time with baby!!!

So maybe I put a little too much pressure on myself to make sure to get everything        ‘just so.’  But the problem is, there is no such thing.  Every woman’s body is different, every cycle is different, etc., etc.  So if the sun and the moon and the stars don’t all align in perfect syzygy … no ‘little a.’

…and that is why, as difficult as it is for a control freak, like me (who was unable to have sex with hubby during her two most fertile days, for one reason or another), I am now turning the decision over to a higher power as I enter my two week wait.

Boy, I really hope we got everything ‘just so.’

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