Sleeping Beauty

First of all, understand that this post is uninspired, and pretty much a vent session. I started this blog to keep track of my experiences; I never imagined that people might actually read it. So, if you get annoyed by posts that complain, you can skip this one. On the other hand, if you are patient and empathetic… I could sure use a little sympathy right now.

I never understood when people said that trying to conceive was stressful. And these were people with normal, working reproductive systems and healthy sex lives.

Now I understand.

And possibly the most frustrating thing for me right now, is that the problem isn’t even what I always assumed it would be. The problem is not that I am infertile or that I have an inhospitable environment. The problems are everything else around me. In no particular order:

1) living temporarily with parents and sister there is the obvious issue of privacy — ex: last night, hubby and I were finally making some progress, when “knock, knock…” My darling sister to return a DVD to me. And then R couldn’t finish. <<I drop my chin down to my chest in defeat.>>

2) my dog, who I love more than anything, but she cries and whimpers if R so much as kisses me (and then if we leave her outside of the room, it looks suspicious and people comment – see #1)

3) busy, busy, busy… sometimes it is just impossible to be on the same page with all of our jobs and activities

4) as stated in previous posts, R needs the sun, moon, and stars to align in order to get it up, keep it up, and finish. We have “started” sex three times this cycle, but haven’t finished even once. He refuses to see a doctor, and he gets defensive and mean if I bring it up.

So, I keep saying things like, “I guess it just wasn’t meant to be right now,” and “It will happen when the time is right.”

But really, I am frustrated and pissed as hell.

And right now, in what is probably the last few viable hours that we could attempt to try this month, my dear dear husband is fast asleep and dead to the world. When I gently nudged him he told me to forget about it that it’s not happening right now. And then he got annoyed that I was upset about it.

Well, at least I won’t have to obsess over a two week wait.

Smiley Face

Smiley Face

THIS smiley face brought a smile to MY face… and the sex that followed brought an even bigger smile to my face! Today is the 14th day of my cycle, and a “peak” fertility day… so the timing really couldn’t have been better. We also had sex on CD 12. So now, I guess the wait begins. I’m sooooooo trying not to get my hopes up, but I now realize how utterly impossible that is.

Liftoff, but no landing.

R and I have been together for about seven years.  I have already alluded to the fact that we have never had sex very often (we once had a 7 month dry spell).  This has been the cause of our most major arguments because I, not unlike many, view sex as the ultimate act of love and intimacy that separates a romantic relationship from a best friend.  Needless to say, I have always had some insecurities about this, and any effort to talk about it openly with R has never led to a very happy evening for either of us.

I have done my homework… read “The Sex Starved Wife” by Michele Weiner Davis, visited a therapist (who told me after five minutes of meeting that we were both gay and should break up…?!?), talked in strictest confidence to my best friend, and visited countless websites.  Though none of these things have miraculously changed my sex life, they have helped me realize that I can feel fulfilled and intimate in spite of the lack of actual intercourse. It took me a while to get here, but I made it.

Enter: the plan to get pregnant.  Suddenly, this taboo, leads-to-a-fight-every-time topic is something we HAVE to be open about, and… <<gasp>>… something we actually have to DO…with some degree of consistency!  Need I wonder why my anxiety (and his, too, I’m sure) has spiked this week?   Naturally, I look for subtle (but clear) ways to give him the info. he needs without using too much jargon.  He knows this is the week and he is mentally prepared.  We both want to start a family and this is the month to start trying.  OK, phew; we are on the same page.

So when the alarm clock rings at 5 am this morning, and he rolls over for a morning wake up call, I AM BUBBLING OVER WITH EXCITEMENT.  …and passion, and hope, and love, and pleasure!!!  And folks, we have liftoff… !!!!!!!!!!!!!

…but ten minutes later I am telling him, “That’s ok; don’t worry…  we can try again later.” Liftoff, but no landing.

Que Sera…?

It is uncanny how many years of a woman’s life can go by without much thought to her cycle other than the cliche hating on her “time of the month.”  Then, suddenly, when the thought of trying to have a baby enters the mind, it becomes all encompassing.  And I know I am not alone, because I have been surfing the web.  A lot.

I am 32 years old, and from the ripe of old age of 17 when I first suspected that getting pregnant might pose a challenge for me, I have been known to say things like, “What’s meant to be will be.” That’s a decade and a half of self talk out the window, because, yeah, not so much anymore. Suddenly, it feels like there is no other option and that life without kids does not exist in my realm of possibilities.

So here is where all of my anxieties and insecurities start to rear an ugly head.  It does not help that DH is not a huge fan of sex (sounds weird I know, but I think he was just raised to consider it “dirty.” :/) and even thought we planned to start tonight, there has been NO talk about sex, lots of talk about  “tired…” and it is after 11:00.

So I guess I will sign off with “que sera,” but we all know that I don’t mean it.