Yes; it’s complicated.

Have you ever been pregnant?

For the past few years, this standard question has been a slight source of frustration.

No.  Damn it.  No, I haven’t.  I’m trying.  It’s not working.  Thank you for reminding me.

 

Today, for the first time, I had a new answer.

I was sitting in the acupuncturist’s waiting room, filling out 35 gazillion forms, and this is  the question that made my breath stick in my throat for an extra second.  To be fair, I did have to answer this question while I was in the hospital for my surgery.  But at the time, I was in excruciating pain, and the emotional weight of it was not my priority.  Today was the first time I have had to answer this question and have the full, raw history come roaring back.

 

Also, congratulations to me, I have a new surgery to record in my medical history: salpingectomy.  Removal of fallopian tube.  I had to google it for spelling.

Later on, I was sitting across from this seasoned, published acupuncturist, and she said, “I really need 3-6 months to help you heal.”

“I bounce back quickly. I feel great”

“Mmm hmm… ”  (writing something down).  “You had a traumatic surgery and then had complications and anemia.  But if you’ve made your decision and you’re starting a new cycle, I am suggesting that you come in 3 times a week.”

So, I may be painting an unpleasant picture of this woman, but actually she couldn’t have been warmer or more knowledgeable. It’s just, her reaction really got me thinking.

Did I bounce back quickly?  Or am I a really good actress to the point of even fooling myself?  I read other blogs and I don’t feel the constant anguish that some women describe.  We are all different, and so I just assume that I have dealt with it and am one of the lucky ones who can move forward.  But then there are these moments that stop me in my tracks.  And I’m not sure.

So, no…no, I am not sure I am ready.  But, yes…yes, I am starting round 2.  Yes; it’s complicated.

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Meditate it Forward

I am experiencing what I would refer to as a “more than a quarter but less than a mid-life crises.” The alarm clock rings at 5 am, and I have this overwhelming sense of “…and now I have to wake up and do it ALL over again?!?”  Many other women I know who are around my age (early to mid thirties) are experiencing similar things, so at least I know I am in good company.  I just can’t shake the feeling of being in a rut (even though every day moves at the speed of lightning and I keep my life FULL of interesting experiences).  I have no good reason to feel down about anything.  I have a secure job, supportive family, and lots of healthy hobbies.  So… ???

Knowing that complaining will do me no good, I started to seek out ways I could make small changes in my life.  On impulse, I bought three sessions of acupuncture through Living Social.  I have never considered acupuncture before, but I am excited to give it a try.  I need to restore some balance.  Stay tuned.

Additionally, a friend of mine turned me onto the “21 Day Meditation Challenge.”  It has Oprah Winfrey and Deepak Chopra’s names all over it, so again, I figured… I’ve never been much of the meditating type, but why not give it a go?  I am only on day 3, but I am already starting to rewire some of my thinking.  Here is the link for more information, if you’d like to give it a try: Meditate it Forward | Free Meditation | Pass it On.

Working on ME for a bit so that one day, when the time is right, I can be a GREAT mom! 🙂