TTC Thanks

Today I am thankful.

I am thankful to be bloated and busting out of my shirt. I am thankful that I had to put my Lupron in a lunch bag surrounded by ice packs to drive to my parents’ house. I am thankful to have the tiniest pock marks on my belly from sticking myself with needles. I am thankful for my small Lupron headache and big hormonal mood swings.

It means we are in the next phase of our IVF cycle, and for that I am thankful. We get another chance, and it starts now.


Added to the protocol for IVF2: hysteroscopy.

Early morning on Monday, 11/17, in the pouring rain, my mom accompanied me to the main branch of my fertility group for this procedure.

If I’m being honest, I was actually looking forward to a day off from work and the excuse to catch up on some sleep.

The nurse started my IV easily, which almost never happens, and we were off on the standard rigamarole: paperwork, pills, explanations, etc. For some reason, anxiety started to creep in.

On the table, as they were prepping me, I realized that my anxiety was really intense but I couldn’t place why. For the first time in my life I irrationally questioned if the anesthesia would work. I actually felt like the anxiety was strong enough to trump the drugs! But of course, I was out cold moments later.

It did not feel like a peaceful “out cold” to me. I actually felt like I woke up once, though I’m sure I couldn’t have. When I DID wake up in recovery, it wasn’t a pleasant, groggy, sedated, gradual wake up either. I swore I heard doctors and nurses saying scary things, that clearly I did not really hear. I was shivering with cold from head to toe and had a feeling of dread.

When the doctor came in, he reported that my uterus looked healthy, and while we will still have to wait for the official pathology report, he didn’t see anything or have to remove anything.

I had minimal cramping and slept most of the day and night away. R made dinner, cleaned, and took care of the pup.

But here’s the thing. 2 days later still don’t quite feel well. I can. not. get. warm. My eyes feel tired and feverish, but I do not have a fever. My supervisor asked me today if I am coming down with something.

So, I hope it’s just residuals from anesthesia, but I’ve never realized effects like these before. Maybe I will think twice before getting excited to go under next time!

Dangerous Dates

One of the nurses from my doctor’s office called yesterday with my dates for “IVF, Take 2!” This is all at once thrilling and terrifying.

Thrilling because I can plan ahead for things like coverage of my Jazzercise classes and taking off from work… and counting ahead to hypothetical EDD from retrieval date… (even though I swore I wouldn’t. September 2. Damn it, I couldn’t help myself.).

And terrifying because now I’m attached to the dates and the plan and if anything goes wrong, I know I will be upset in spite of how I try to guard myself. In spite of how I already know the pain of bad news, first hand. There are about a bajillion things that can go wrong in any given IVF cycle. And even if everything goes right… well, we all know the end of that thought.

So here are the projected dates, barring any unforeseen circumstances:
11/17 hysteroscopy
11/21 bloodwork, start Lupron
11/23 last birth control pill
11/28 bloodwork and ultrasound
11/29 start stims
week of 12/8 retrieval

In the most useful words of my people: Oy vey.

Here we goooooo…!!!

Yes; it’s complicated.

Have you ever been pregnant?

For the past few years, this standard question has been a slight source of frustration.

No. ¬†Damn it. ¬†No, I haven’t. ¬†I’m trying. ¬†It’s not working. ¬†Thank you for reminding me.


Today, for the first time, I had a new answer.

I was sitting in the acupuncturist’s waiting room, filling out 35 gazillion forms, and this is ¬†the question that made my breath stick in my throat for an extra second. ¬†To be fair, I¬†did have to answer this question¬†while¬†I was in the hospital for my surgery. ¬†But at the time, I was in excruciating pain, and the emotional weight of it was not my priority. ¬†Today was the first time I have had to answer this question and have the full, raw history come roaring back.


Also, congratulations to me, I have a new surgery to record in my medical history: salpingectomy.  Removal of fallopian tube.  I had to google it for spelling.

Later on, I was sitting across from this seasoned, published acupuncturist, and she said, “I really need 3-6 months to help you heal.”

“I bounce back quickly. I feel great”

“Mmm hmm… ” ¬†(writing something down). ¬†“You had a traumatic surgery and then had complications and anemia. ¬†But if you’ve made your decision and you’re starting a new cycle, I am suggesting that you come in 3 times a week.”

So, I may be painting an unpleasant picture of this woman, but actually she couldn’t have been warmer or more knowledgeable. It’s just, her reaction really got me thinking.

Did I bounce back quickly? ¬†Or am I a really good actress to the point of even fooling myself? ¬†I read other blogs and I don’t feel the constant anguish that some women describe. ¬†We are all different, and so I just assume that I have dealt with it and am one of the lucky ones who can move forward. ¬†But then there are these moments that stop me in my tracks. ¬†And I’m not sure.

So, no…no, I am not sure I am ready. ¬†But, yes…yes, I am starting round 2. ¬†Yes; it’s complicated.

IVF Round 2

Bloodwork and ultrasound today; nothing to note yet, of course.

I am being referred to a hematologist due to the complications I experienced post op. Just ruling out any blood disorders. Hopefully, ruling out.

Hysteroscopy scheduled for Monday, 11/17 (they were booked all of next week!!!). No one seems sure of my exact protocol yet which is a little disconcerting but I’m pretty sure they have me on a down reg long protocol with Lurpon followed by follistim and Menopur. Anyone know why my docs would have change me to this? The nurse today said they rarely use this protocol!

Ooooookay… here we go…!!!


To Start Again

I went MIA after my ectopic and surgery this summer.

It wasn’t really a conscious decision; I guess I just needed to detox. ¬†There was (and is) some guilt that I stopped reading and responding to others’ blogs. ¬†Especially after all of the love and support I received in my time of need. ¬†It doesn’t mean I stopped caring about all of your journeys… I guess it was just my way of coping with my own.

It has been just over two months since my rupture and we are about to embark on IVF round 2.  I have very mixed feelings about this.  When people ask me how I am doing, I say that I feel great, and I honestly mean it!!!  Physically, I am strong and healthy.  The whole ordeal feels like a blip on the radar.  But every now and then I am caught off guard and brought back to the memory of August and it stuns me and gets caught in my throat.  And I am about to put myself through it again.

We have one perfect embryo on ice, but I have decided to do a fresh cycle. ¬†This way, we can (hopefully) transfer two and ¬†have some others left to freeze. ¬†My optimistic thinking is that if I do a fresh cycle now, it can potentially be the last full IVF I have to do, and down the line, the embryos will have been conceived by a 34 year old me…even if I am over that 35 or 38 hump by the time we use them.

My doctor wants to be more aggressive this time around since the first retrieval did not yield as many eggs as we had hoped (6).  Soooo, when I get my period (end of this week if I am on time), I will start BCP, and schedule a hysteroscopy.  I will be taking HGH (Human Growth Hormone i.e. steroids), and my doses for all stims will be higher.

My doctor is predicting an end of December or early January transfer, barring any unforeseen circumstances. ¬†I have learned not to count ahead 9 months, or to try and figure out what our potential birth announcements might look like depending on the time of year. ¬†At least I think I have learned that…

For now, I am going to enjoy my last drug free, doctor free week.  Those have been the perks of the last few months, but now it is time to start again.